Category Archives: Trying…Again

Full Disclosure

I have been debating on updating or just letting Familyoftwo fade away.

The truth of the matter is the blog has come full circle.  I came to word press as a way to grieve Aaron, and grieve I did.  Yet a new adventure is about to unfold and it isn’t right to share it here.  This blog, and my life changed after loosing him.  Life was no longer obsessively concerned with conceiving.  Even when we tried it wasn’t shared here.  You guys weren’t privy to the shots, or the let down when once again AF started up at 10 days post ovulation despite having an E2 of over 1500.  Life went on and so did I.  We talked about Cricut projects, and my unstable mother in law (whom incidentally we haven’t seen in six weeks), or my psycho mother-who recently apologized for being a bad parent.  Life is eventful, but not in teh way we all come to expect but that is about to change.

Earlier this month I consulted with the last RE in the area.  The RE who is affiliated with my place of employment,the RE whom two different gynecologists highly recommended, the RE whom I recommended to an “invisible” friend who now has gone through 3 miscarriages, and has one child thanks to his help while I sit here with none.  During my consult all of my preconceived fears came true.  I was met not by him, but by another doctor who took my history, and only met with him for all of 15 minutes while he reviewed my history, ordered some tests, and demanded that Dr. T’s office send my history from their office.  The next day I walked back in on cycle day 3 and was probed by “an angry ultrasound tech”  after being poked in the vein so that they could aquire my blood.

Ten days later I walked back in and had an emotional break down that caused the RE to question my sanity I am sure.  After he preformed my first ever saline ultrasound he asked me the question of the hour, “how are YOU handling all of this?”  Not, lets jump right into IVF because that is what I am trained to say but rather he wanted to know how I was feeling.  I waked out and called the social worker he recommended and cried my way home.  That night I talked to Jacob and told him I was not scared to try again, but scared of becoming pregnant again and I wasn’t sure if I could proceed as planned.  The next day, I walked back into the same hospital with a sense of calm yet with no real direction.  Even so I underwent my fourth HSG in 8 years.  Before we began however the doctor sat and held my hand as I told him about Jacob’s and my conversation.  He told me that I was wise, and that we would go slow, but it feels like we are moving full speed ahead.  And yes, most of my fears about the baby corral have been quelled.

Bottom line:

FSH 7.6, I have the ovaries of a 30 year old.  Prolactin 15.9 (down from 30.6).  I am HIV, and STD negative.  I am Rubella positive which means I do not have to worry about the German Measles should I become pergnant or not pregnant.   My ultrasound showed 30 antral follicles on CD 3, which is high for a “normal” woman but to be expected for a woman with PCOS, which is why we over stimulate on even the lowest of Follistim doses.   The HSG shows patency and a clear path.  My Saline Ultrasound however showed a problem.  On the left posterier wall I have a growth and a gross thickening of my uterus below it.  If you remember my GYN said that my uterus “felt enlarged” when she saw me in September.  Speculation is that while the polyp was noted during my hysteroscopy in February of last year, it was not removed and could have been the cause of my miscarriage though that can’t be confirmed.  Ironically, had Dr. T been willing to do a D&C in May this would have been a mute issue, and my chemical pregnancy in August may have been a “real” pregnancy as well but we shall never know.

At any rate, I have to have another surgery.  This time its a polypectomy, a D&C, and a hysteroscopy.  The remenents will be sent out for pathology to test, but we do not forsee any issues.  However he did say that women with PCOS have a higher risk of problems from these growths than a woman without.

We come full circle now.  My surgery was orignally offered for February 12th, but that gave me too great a risk of having a March 10th cycle, and thus if I do become pregnant another December 15th due date.  The plan after the surgery providing that the pathology is A-Ok is to try again.  The RE feels that given the labs, and the patentcy equals a good chance of pregnancy on my own (with help from injections), but I want to wait until afterwards until we decide…even so…I need to step away from the key board in this particular venue.  I do have an all infertility all the time blog…but to keep both is dishonest.

Thanks to everyone who was with me through two RE’s, a failed pregnancy, my mother in laws antics, and my many many many cycles of PMS and rage.  I will keep up with everyones blogs, and will comment, so your not rid of me.  I just feel that this blog has come full circle.

9 Months…

I happened to glance at Aaron’s ticker on my Mys pace page the other day.  It had been exactly 9 months since we said good bye.  9 month, to the day.  He has now been gone for the exact amount of time that I should have held him under my heart. 

9 months in the span of a lifetime is nothing.  Yet 9 months to create a life seems like forever. 

So much has changed in 9 months.  I almost lost Aaron’s daddy.  If I had lost him, I would have lost him in the same month in which we lost our final baby. My heart still pounds when I think about that month.  I can still relive each of those days and nights as if they were yesterday.  Only this time its as if I am watching some one else play the parts of my life that were so terror filled.  As the images flicker on the movie screen of my memory the pain isn’t nearly as severe.  The images not quite so opaque.

Time heals all wounds, and in this case its true…and all it took was a little over 9 months to realize that I was already there.

With Great Resolve…

We are in the last few hours of 2008.  What a year it has been!

 

January found us visiting with our new RE.

February found me under the knife, and given new hope.

March found me starting the cycle that tried to make  me a mom.

April I discovered I was pregnant.

May found me losing a pregnancy, and almost a husband.  If that was a test I hope I passed.

June was pretty non-descript.

July we were back in the saddle again.

August a possible chemical pregnancy, and a glorious vacation.

September I began what should have been a three month TTC hiatus.

October we celebrated Halloween.

November I turned 34, Kathy had her baby, and we elected our first black president!

December we mourned the should have been due date of our little one….

 

What a year it was!  While I have no idea what 2009 will bring I have made a few resolutions of sorts.  I make no illusions that I will loose 20 pounds, or that I will take up a new hobby, or that I will become a better person.  Those I leave up the optimistic.  Instead the things I resolve to do are things I can control.

 

For Example:

 

I REFUSE to visit my in-laws AT THEIR HOME until such a time that they can visit us in ours.  If they can drive 2 ½ hours to see my “dude in a dress” (thank you Gail) sister in law then they can drive the Parkway to come visit their son and daughter in law once every 6 months or so

 

I am giving myself 365 days to conceive.  I will be 35 in November, and if not pregnant by then I believe it will be time to let go of the dream and to move on.  Yes, I know I have said this before, but everyone has to reach an end at some point and I am on my last RE in town. Plus have I mentioned I will be 35?

 

I will play the Sims3 correctly and without benefit of a cheat code.

 

I will be going to the bay in August with my family with or without Jacob.  If without I am renting myself a convertible for the drive.

 

I will NOT go to my parent’s house before 8 p.m. on Christmas Eve.

 

Not a Nobel Prize winning list, but it will do for now.  There are some “real” changes that I do intent to make.  I am not that shallow, but those changes will take some time, and will be held closely to the vest. 

 

So tell me, what are your resolutions or what is on you “To Do List” for 2009?  Any big plans?  Any big celebrations?  Sadly I will probably be in bed well before the ball drops on England!