Category Archives: Ramble On…Ramble On…

Full Disclosure

I have been debating on updating or just letting Familyoftwo fade away.

The truth of the matter is the blog has come full circle.  I came to word press as a way to grieve Aaron, and grieve I did.  Yet a new adventure is about to unfold and it isn’t right to share it here.  This blog, and my life changed after loosing him.  Life was no longer obsessively concerned with conceiving.  Even when we tried it wasn’t shared here.  You guys weren’t privy to the shots, or the let down when once again AF started up at 10 days post ovulation despite having an E2 of over 1500.  Life went on and so did I.  We talked about Cricut projects, and my unstable mother in law (whom incidentally we haven’t seen in six weeks), or my psycho mother-who recently apologized for being a bad parent.  Life is eventful, but not in teh way we all come to expect but that is about to change.

Earlier this month I consulted with the last RE in the area.  The RE who is affiliated with my place of employment,the RE whom two different gynecologists highly recommended, the RE whom I recommended to an “invisible” friend who now has gone through 3 miscarriages, and has one child thanks to his help while I sit here with none.  During my consult all of my preconceived fears came true.  I was met not by him, but by another doctor who took my history, and only met with him for all of 15 minutes while he reviewed my history, ordered some tests, and demanded that Dr. T’s office send my history from their office.  The next day I walked back in on cycle day 3 and was probed by “an angry ultrasound tech”  after being poked in the vein so that they could aquire my blood.

Ten days later I walked back in and had an emotional break down that caused the RE to question my sanity I am sure.  After he preformed my first ever saline ultrasound he asked me the question of the hour, “how are YOU handling all of this?”  Not, lets jump right into IVF because that is what I am trained to say but rather he wanted to know how I was feeling.  I waked out and called the social worker he recommended and cried my way home.  That night I talked to Jacob and told him I was not scared to try again, but scared of becoming pregnant again and I wasn’t sure if I could proceed as planned.  The next day, I walked back into the same hospital with a sense of calm yet with no real direction.  Even so I underwent my fourth HSG in 8 years.  Before we began however the doctor sat and held my hand as I told him about Jacob’s and my conversation.  He told me that I was wise, and that we would go slow, but it feels like we are moving full speed ahead.  And yes, most of my fears about the baby corral have been quelled.

Bottom line:

FSH 7.6, I have the ovaries of a 30 year old.  Prolactin 15.9 (down from 30.6).  I am HIV, and STD negative.  I am Rubella positive which means I do not have to worry about the German Measles should I become pergnant or not pregnant.   My ultrasound showed 30 antral follicles on CD 3, which is high for a “normal” woman but to be expected for a woman with PCOS, which is why we over stimulate on even the lowest of Follistim doses.   The HSG shows patency and a clear path.  My Saline Ultrasound however showed a problem.  On the left posterier wall I have a growth and a gross thickening of my uterus below it.  If you remember my GYN said that my uterus “felt enlarged” when she saw me in September.  Speculation is that while the polyp was noted during my hysteroscopy in February of last year, it was not removed and could have been the cause of my miscarriage though that can’t be confirmed.  Ironically, had Dr. T been willing to do a D&C in May this would have been a mute issue, and my chemical pregnancy in August may have been a “real” pregnancy as well but we shall never know.

At any rate, I have to have another surgery.  This time its a polypectomy, a D&C, and a hysteroscopy.  The remenents will be sent out for pathology to test, but we do not forsee any issues.  However he did say that women with PCOS have a higher risk of problems from these growths than a woman without.

We come full circle now.  My surgery was orignally offered for February 12th, but that gave me too great a risk of having a March 10th cycle, and thus if I do become pregnant another December 15th due date.  The plan after the surgery providing that the pathology is A-Ok is to try again.  The RE feels that given the labs, and the patentcy equals a good chance of pregnancy on my own (with help from injections), but I want to wait until afterwards until we decide…even so…I need to step away from the key board in this particular venue.  I do have an all infertility all the time blog…but to keep both is dishonest.

Thanks to everyone who was with me through two RE’s, a failed pregnancy, my mother in laws antics, and my many many many cycles of PMS and rage.  I will keep up with everyones blogs, and will comment, so your not rid of me.  I just feel that this blog has come full circle.

If I Can’t Have A Kid, I’m At Least…

exercise-your-heart-attack-risk-away-afGonna get fit again…

I have decided after looking in the mirror several times over that I am getting down right frumpy looking.  My love handles are more like love railing now.  I swear, the little old ladies who can’t get in and out of the bathtub without assistance could grab onto one of these puppies and could lift themselves out with ease.  Sadly, I have no one to blame but myself.  After all a pocket full of Jelly Belly’s a night really doesn’t help with ones blood sugar or their pentiant for gaining copious amounts of fat. 

This is all my fault.  I have no one to blame for this.  No one held a gun to my head and said “Eat that Ben and Jerry’s”  Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years did not come at a time that was unanticipated nor unannounced.  They weren’t just there one day requiring us to eat pounds and pounds of pumpkin pie, turkey, ice cream and cookies at a time when we normally wouldn’t have.

No, my weight gain and frumpiness are from shear laziness.

At this time last year I joined the gym…again.  I joined the gym…again because I just knew that my new RE would say “if you would loose X number of pounds it would be so much easier for you to get pregnant”  So I dutifully got in my car and drove to the gym every other night, and one weekend morning every week.  I took the week of my surgery off, but as soon as I got the all clear I was back in the recumbant bikes saddle.  During my injectable cycle I dutifully went even though I was bloated and sore.  Once I got pregnant I was told “wait until you make sure everything is OK before you go back”  and that was the last time I was there. 

Now 9 months later I have gained back all the weight I lost last year, and then some.  Only what is worse is I no longer have to drive 20 minutes to the gym.  I could simply throw on my shoes and jogging pants and hit the steps that take me from the top of the hill to the bottom.  How much easier could it be?

Here I am complaining about my glucose level, and yet I did so while sitting on my couch, television on and wondering…”why can’t things be different?”

I refuse to be the one who will need 8 pallbearers at my funeral.  So if I can’t have kids, I am at least going be fit!

Protected: Tooth Fairies, and Turtle Necks Oh My…

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“I Lost My Tooth Aunt Susan”

toothfairyMy phone rang at 8:50 this morning.  Looking at the caller ID I reckoned that it was my sister based on the name and phone number.   As I said hello a tiny voice on the other end stated “Aunt Susan I lost my tooth”   Sara was positively giddy as she recounted that she is now a big girl.

Her only concern is that she will be spending the night, and she wondered if the tooth fairy would come.  I assured her that she certainly would.

Tonight I step into the roll of parent, of tooth fairy, of the one who will creep into the room of a sleeping child.  It will be I, not her mom who pulls the tooth out from under her pillow and replaces it with a green bill.  Tomorrow morning she will wake up and discover the prize and she will run into my room with great anticipation to show me what she “won”  It will be I who gets to fein surprise when I am shown the treasure that was left by a mythical creature.

I am sure that I am romantasizing the event, but for one brief moment I get to experience a first that a parent would.  Of course I still hope for the day when I hear “Mommy lost my tooth”  in the mean time I will cherish hearing “Aunt Susan, look what the tooth fairy brought me”  Even if its a one time event…

Road Trip!

Yes, my blog has become this boring…sorry.  One of these days I will give it up…but until then….

My cricut was last seen, or scanned in Utah.  To be specific it left Salt Lake City at 1:19 a.m. Eastern Standard Time today.  utahmapUPS tells me that it will deliver it on Monday.  I was kind of hoping for Friday since I am off, but Monday will do I suppose.  After all I am off on Wednesday and Thursday next week so I will use my spare time (what little there will be) to play with it then.

Now my cartridges those are in the lovely state of Missouri.  missouri-mapI can’t remember exactly where in MO, but I imagine that given its closer proximty to me than Utah that they will arrive first. 

We are expecting an ice storm in Pennsylvania pennsylvania-county-mapSo if there is any doubt as to when I will get home from work, I am sure there is a lot more doubt as to when UPS and the USPS will delivery my goodies.  In the interum…I do hope they are enjoying their road trip.  Hmm, I wonder what there is to do in Salt Lake City?

I Won…Buyers Remorse…

cricutI am a Martha Stewart wanna be.  That is surprising to most.  I do not come across as someone who enjoys sitting on my Eames Miller chair with a piece of cloth and some DMC floss watching it turn into a land scape.  So when I mention that I have started a new hobby such as beading people tend too look at me as if  have sprouted two heads complete with horns.  “Really? You like to craft?”  Its one of my many layers that if people take the time to peel back the discovery isn’t that shocking.

What is shocking however is the number of incomplete projects that I have and my ability to aquire more.  I always start off with the best of intentions, and every now and again I finish but more often than not the project ends up in a bag in a closet.  Alex, Sara, and Timothy all have first year scrap books.  Alex’s was finished within days of his celbration.  Sara’s within weeks, and Timothy’s well lets just say he hadn’t turned 2 by the time I turned it over to his mother.  Tyler on the other hand, well his is somewhere in a bag waiting for inspiration to come over me, and with todays purchase it might!

You see, I won an Eb@y auction with only minutes left.  Not just any auction either.  No, this auction was for a brand new in the box Cricut with George cartridge!  Retail value at the craft store we were at this morning $249.  My price WITH shipping $132.50.  I saved over $100!  I am jazzed, and having buyers remorse at the same time.  It is an amazing gadget.  I can now make specialty scrap book pages with ease.  No longer will I be forced to use pre fabricated stickers, and cut outs in an attempt to make adorable pages that never come out quite like those by the “professionals”  Yet, I wonder in reality how many times I will use it.  After all the cartridges that would allow me to make Christmas pages for example range retail from $39.99 to over $100 each.

So my new goal is to branch out and learn how to make cards too.  I got some wonderful home made ones over Christmas and adored them all.  I figure with birthdays, anniversaries, friends having babies that with a little more investment of time and money that I can have some fun making them myself.  If not, it will end up in the same ranks as my sewing machine that I had to have last Christmas…in its box at the bottom of Jacob’s office closet under a bag of fabric that I also “had to have”

Anyone wanna place bets on how long before I tell you I gave this hobby up too?

So Over It…

Wow,  what a way to spend 4 days off!  Well 2 of 4 days off anyway.

Friday was horrifically awful as my previous post mentioned.  Poor Jacob had it much worse than I did.  While I was done with the vomiting and the gastero issues by later in the afternoon he was still vomitting into the wee hours of Saturday morning.  Nothing says loving like going to the all night grocery store at 1 a.m. with your own temperature of 101.08 to get your spouse Coke, Maalox, and Motrin since Tylenol wasn’t breaking the fever.  I think the last time I was that weary and driving was when he was in the hospital in May.

Saturday morning we woke up and while we were both about as energetic as wrung out wash rags we couldn’t wait to get to the mall.  HUGE mistake.  Do you hear me…HUGE mistake.  Type 2 diabetic + not eating a full meal for36+ hours + 70 degree temperatures + dehydration =’s potential for disastor.  The mall was unussually crowded due to the sales, but I was determined to help stimulate the economy.  Almost immediately on the treck however I knew something was wrong.  Jacob continually offered to take me home, but I refused to be detered.  By Penney’s however I was on the verge of collapse.  I was sweating profusely and was feeling faint.  I was certain that I was experiencing a relapse, and not a glucose level of 47.  OOPS.  Thankfully 12 oz. of cold Coke and a rest stop later I inceased my sugar enough to allow us to proceed to home instead of to the ER.  We ventured out later in the evening where a deal with hubby was struck–he gets  to build his computer (the parts arrive on Friday) and I get a Wii-when they are ever back in stock!

This morning we slept soundly until 9 despite going to bed early by our standards.  Sleep over came us and refused to let go, thus our morning plans were wrecked but neither of us seemed to mind.  Our appetites are still not up to par, and my weight is down 5 lbs, though I so don’t suggest my mode of diet for the new year.  We are hoping by the drop of the ball that we are 100% back to normal…but back to normal or not I am so over being sick.