Right Where I Needed To Be…

stained_glass_church2I went to church today for the first time since the day before my Methotrexate injection officially ended my last confirmed pregnancy.  I haven’t been back since for a number of reasons.  The first was because the last sermon haunts me to this day.  The church I have, or had been attending utilizes audiovisuals as part of the message.  The title that was “Like A Baby Craves It’s Mothers Milk”  Throughout the service I could barely breathe, but there I sat watching as the visuals changed from animals suckling in the bar yard to that of a mother nursing her infant child–the image that stayed on the screen for the remainder of the service.  When I got into my car after the service I burst into tears that come just as easily today as I remember that day and I haven’t been back.  I was angry, not only at those who were fortunate enough to not miscarry their babies, but at God as well.  Loosing a baby wasn’t suppose to happen to me again.  The nurse had promised it wouldn’t.  My progesterone was 147 at 15 days post conception, that was so high she assured me I wouldn’t miscarry.  Boy was she wrong.  That day I sat in church looking for guidance, and instead felt nothing but pain.

Over the past 8 months I have gone through many stages.  Anger, at God which prompted me for a while to boycott Christmas.  After all that is the Christian celebration his birth, despite the likelihood that it occurd in the spring, and not in the dead of the winter.  I was so angry I couldn’t see myself celebrating a centruries old birth 10 days after what was my due date.   Then there was bartering-If  God could just give me another pregnancy and I was allowed to carry it to term I promised that I would raise that child in the church.  Self blame, obvisiously this was directed to myself.  My doctor didn’t believe in doing early ultrasounds, yet had we done one before my methotrexate we should have seen something.  I was 6 weeks and 1 day when I had the shot.  We certainly could have ruled out cardiac activity.  So I began to question if there wasn’t something more I could have done.

Finally, after dealing with all the emotions I decided that it was time to put my spiritual life back in order, or to at least start.  So  today I walked back into that same church I walked out of in May.  Despite it being the second Sunday of Advent (one of the 4 Sunday’s leading up to Christmas Day) we had a Thanksgiving witness.  After the sermon in which Joel, the pastor suggested that we give up our grudges, and angers, and troubles to God came the witnessing.  Before us stood a man whose life by his own account was easy.  He got into the college he wanted and came out with no debt.  He got the girl he wanted, the job be wanted and even managed to climb to the highest rung of the corporate ladder before retirement.  To him life was easy, but during that time he said he stopped praying despite being taught to do so.  Then his wife was diagnosed with stage 4 mestastized cancer.  During her treatments which included surgery and chemo she only wanted to do two things–go to church and go to her bible study.  The man however began to pray again-only what he realized was that God couldn’t be bartered with, nor manipulated during prayer–“If you give me this…then I will do that”  I listened with wrapt attention wondering how the story would end…and just like  thelast sermon I had a tear in my eye at the end.  Not because it was sad, because it made me realize that I was right where I needed to be.  I am not holy, I am not a bible beater, I am a sinner of magnanimous proportions but by walking away from the unity of others I was shutting myself off from those who really get know what its like to be unified.

Infertility sucks, miscarriage sucks, and yes there is much support in this community but there is also much change.  We do not stand united when we become pregnant-many stop reading about their infertile friends–not all, but many.  They (as I did when I was so briefly pregnant) seem to forget that they were once angry, and frustrated, yet God doesn’t ever walk away, I walked away from that same  support.  I am not a bible beater you will never hear me preach to those who don’t believe.  Yet I am proud of what I re-discovered today and whether or not I ever have a child, or another pregnancy I know the one place I can go where I am right where I need to be…

I make no apologies for this entry, but thank those who read it this far….

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8 responses to “Right Where I Needed To Be…

  1. You sound so much like me. After MY last methotrexate injection in July I have spent a lot of time being angry with God. Yelling at him, dismissing him as I felt he had me…I realized 2 things…1. He can take it 2. I need him now more then ever. I’m glad you were right where you need to be.

  2. What a beautiful post. I have a hard time not falling into the “bartering with God” mode. It’s hard. It’s easy to think “if I do this, then you do this”. I love that you were able to be right where you needed to be and that guys story spoke to you. That’s awesome.

  3. I’m glad you make no apologies because I can’t seem to think of one reason why you should. I think the power of the faith you made steps today to recover is overwhelmingly beautiful. As you know, I’ve had my struggles with my faith as a result of my infertility, but, I think G-d expects that and waits for us, no matter how long it takes for us to come back. Sounds like today was a very fulfilling experience for you.

  4. Cassie (DS Friend)

    What a beautifully written post. I think we all struggle with our faith during our TTC roller coaster ride. Even though I’m not an avid church goer, I do believe in the higher power and my faith has struggled so much over the last 8 yrs. I have to repeatedly remind myself that even though I struggle with IF, I have alot to be thankful for. Do not ever apologize for your faith!! {{HUGS}}

  5. I have been so bad about reading my normal blogs (And yes you are on the normal daily readers list) I haven’t done it in over a week and this morning when I sat down I felt drawn to your blog, yours was the first I clicked and obviously that was no accident. Your words were perfect for what I needed to hear. I am so happy for you that you felt that drive again, and even more that you got what you needed by attending the service. It is a unity that cannot be duplicated. This was a fantastic post and just what I needed to read, thank you for that!

  6. I am proud of you, too. God is such an easy target when it comes to anger. Especially when looking around at all of the people who in my thoughts don’t ‘deserve’ a baby.

    I am so glad you shared this experience with me. It gives me hope for my own relationship with God.

  7. I know it’s not anyone’s fault that I can’t concieve. However humans need to find something or someone to place blame in order to get past the issue. Unfortunately I’m still dealing with the anger with God and myself.

  8. I am glad for you that you found where you needed to be. I know it was a big step going back.

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