My friend in real life and in blog land delivered her baby today. A little girl named Hailey, and I am just ecstatic for them….but how did I get to this point?
I was a little bit concerned about how I would react as we got closer to the day day she was scheduled to arrive. I was concerned because I didn’t do so well around baby shower time. To be honest neither Jacob nor I did well. So I worried how I would be when it came time for my first friend in real life, as well as in blog land to deliver her baby, especially when said friend graciously asked me to be her guest blogger to keep everyone updated.
I was honored to be chosen for after all she has a large following of equally pregnant women who would have been giddy with excitement to keep us updated. Yet she picked me! I was ecstatic, but still concerned. Did I have it in me to do this I sometimes wondered. I knew I could fake it on the blog if I had too, but what happened when she called? Would I break down in tears? Would I have to fake it to her? After all the night before her baby shower I was in tears. Driving there I wish I still smoked. When I arrived I looked for the nearest exit in case I started to cry there too. Luckily I was seated across from a woman who had “been there” herself. It was divine intervention, but I still worried about these days in November, and then it happened….the text message came. “Induction moved up to tomorrow…”
Suddenly I was excited, and nervous. You would have thought it was my child who was being born. On Monday I woke up and updated her blog. By Monday afternoon I got antsy and text messaged her back to find out what the status of this baby was. That evening I got antsy again, and by this morning I was ready to crawl out of my skin, and nearly jumped out of it when my cell phone beeped and I had another message from her. Finally at 2:39 my cell phone rang and it was her. She told me she had the baby, and I didn’t have to fake it. I was genuinely happy for her and her new family. I even talked to her for a few moments and even heard little Hailey cry as her heel was being pricked to test her blood sugar.
When we hung up I immediately went to her blog and updated the news and then I sat and pondered what had just occured. Where is the ache in my heart? Where is that punched in the gut feeling? Where are the tears? Where is the “why not me?” Feeling that I was sure would accompany this moment? None of that was present. In its place was a feeling of joy. A new family was born, and it’s not mine and yet I am happy.
I wish I could say that there will never be another feeling of bitterness, or anger, or jealousy or resentment as we approach this coming leg of our infertility/miscarriage journey. However I am hopeful that it will be an indicator of my better foothold on those issues at hand. However if those feelings do arise I hope that they are fleeting where as the ability to be at peace and find happiness are ones that are sustained…