I have been flipping back and forth about how much infertility talk I wanted to continue on the blog. Well not so much infertility, but when I start cycling how much I want to share. So I feel a bit hypocritical sharing moments like this when odds are that I am not going to share my cycle with you. Though I have read some other suggestions on other blogs that say to write it since it is cathartic, but to either keep the posts private and then post date them for later publishing or to simply not write about it at all. I think that writing about it but post dating the entry’s is a bit more honest, but not by much.
Anyway, I have a such a good feeling about our next cycle. While I am not totally over my miscarriage I am better. I shouldn’t even say its the miscarriage that I am not over. I am over that, it happend its time to move on. What I am not over is the bitter feelings that sometimes accompany my not being pregnant yet. Though better for just the other day there had to have been 4 medical files with the name Aaron written all over them. Instead of tearing up or feeling that gnaw in the pit of my stomach I thought “Well maybe Aaron wasn’t such a ‘unique’ name after all” Not unique as if I named my child Bridgetdietpepsigreenhighlighter unique, but unique in that there wouldn’t be 4 or 5 kids in his elementary class with his name.
Another feeling, the feeling that I am hooked on is excitement. I am SO excited about trying to conceive again. I want to say that NO I don’t have any preconceived notions (no pun intended) about becoming pregnant but I have this overwhelming feeling that I am going to BE pregnant shortly. I remember feeling like this when I became pregnant in March I knew I was going to get pregnant, but at the same time I felt like that wasn’t my cycle either. I ordered my meds LONG before my pregnancy test turned positive. I am quite the enigma I know.
I am not even close to cycling just yet. I am still two weeks away from AF starting, and a lot can happen between now and a pelvic ultrasound…but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling and I really don’t know if I want too!
Incidentally this happy feeling marks my 150th post since I moved to WordPress. The first was devestating but my 150th has me wanting to dance a jig.