The definition of insanity, ok the unofficial definition is to do something over and over again expecting a different result…you know, you would think I know better but alas I simply think I am insane.
I often write about my mother in law, and we all have a good laugh. We laugh because the things she doesn’t aren’t toxic. Instead they are typical Marie VS Debra moments, but the things that my mother does can be considered toxic, but since I follow the standard psychological profile of needing a mothers love back I go. Then at the end of the visit or conversation when my blood pressure is significantly higher I say the standard “Why do I keep going back?” or “I can’t stand her I am never going over there again” Yet again I go, over and over, and over.
What sparks this sudden disclosure of why my mother in law is crazy, but my mother insane? Well today Jacob and I went over to visit after purchasing our new mattress and box springs. My mother had originally offered to pay for an IUI for us in August, but conveniently didn’t have the money despite her quarterly trust funds arrival. Then it was “I will give you that money for your Christmas gift put it towards your trip to Europe” Then it was “I will buy your new mattress and box springs…” just last week, But today all of that was forgotten. Not that I expect it, nor do I feel entitled to any of the promises that are made. Its just simply that there is zero follow through on her part and this denial of the latest promise simply added to the litany of complaints.
Culminating with the following. As we were talking I told her that I had seen my PCP and advised that I don’t have high blood pressure, but that I will never be allowed to use the pill again. “Well why don’t you take out an ad in the Sunday paper doesn’t talking about this embarrass you?” She asked No, not really. What is wrong with me saying I can’t take the pill? That doesn’t embarrass me any more than saying I am allergic to Penicillin. Its simply a fact of life. So I said “Well, that means I can’t have IVF. Which comforts me because now I can say the reason is phyisical and not just financial” I pause and then add “but we have been cleared for IUI if my cycle ever decides to arrive since the Provera still hasn’t brought it on, but we aren’t going to enterain that until after we move”
IMMEDIATELY she goes off the handle. “When are you going to give this up? You can’t have children so just get over it. Good grief everyone thinks so. Everyone knows you are grasping at straws”
You know what, everyone might think so including you, my blog readers. “Maybe I am tilting at windmills. Maybe I am throwing my money away, but it isn’t your money, it is mine and until I reach menopause if I want to have an IUI every month then so be it.” To this she turns white because she knows she has promised to help us out with an IUI and never did but at the time that wasn’t on my mind. My simple point was I have NEVER asked ANYONE to finance our infertility EVER. I don’t expect it, and I certainly don’t feel entitled to have it handed to me either. But If the jab stung a little bit then so be it. This is my life, and what I am doing in trying ot conceive may be insane. Most would have given up years ago or would have moved on to IVF or adoption and certainly we may some day, but until we reach that point THIS is what is available to us, and frankly I will not stand in anyones judgement and I mean that.
Now…remind me of this the next time you get a rare glimpse at my mother instead of a chuckle at the expense of my mother in law…