Scenes From The Mail…

While I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, Jacob tends to side on the other end of the spectrum.  Rarely do you know what or how he is feeling.  Minute terror, and over zealous joy are emoted in identical ways.  Yet when you have been married for as long as we have the width of the spectrum decreases and even slight changes in personality are easily identified, yet the catalyst often is not until well after the event.


So begins todays tale…


My habit, since Jacob arrives at the ol’ homestead hours before I do is to call to find out what goodies arrived in the mail.  Typically he will give me the run down-student loan bill, water bill, electric bill, a magazine and some junk mail.  Or on that rare occasion when Duquesne Light spares me the monotony of writing yet another check to further their cause he will simply say “a magazine for you and some junk mail”  So yesterday when he answered sharply “Nothing, now what do you want?”  I was a bit taken aback but didn’t press the issue.  Instead when I arrived at the same abode an hour and a half later I discovered the cause of his upheaval.  There it sat, on top of the Woman’s Day, but below the Giant Eagle circular in all of its glossy glory staring up from the table was a One Step Ahead catalog.


See, when I became pregnant this last time I did many unthinkable things that I never have done in the past.  “Come on lets go tell your mom I’m pregnant.  Nothing is going to go wrong” coupled with filling out catalog requests from every baby filled box store from JC Penney to One Step Ahead.  I dreamed of October arrived, me being 7 months pregnant and the house beginning to fill with pink or blue bobbles.  After all, what could go wrong this time?  Of course the first catalog arrived just days after my Methotrexate injection, and on that day it was Jacob who had to pry the glossy catalog from my white knuckled fingers.  He promised me that he would go through the mail from that day on and dispose of any baby related item that crossed our threshold.


As time wore on and the sore scabbed over that promise seemingly was forgotten yet with each arrival his mood would dip.  I didn’t give this much thought until last Thursday when I begged him to go to the big box store with me so that I could buy the ingredients for a baby shower gift.  As I crossed over into the carpeted area denoting all things infant, Jacob refused to even toe the line.  Instead a quick molting of his brow lead into “I will be in electronics come get me when you are done” At the cash register his grumbling continued as pink items rode up the belt.  Believing that it was the total of the purchase that upset him I quickly shoved the receipt in my wallet and went home in abject silence.


The following evening as I was hand tying 56 size one diapers I looked up and said “You know someone should be doing this for my shower next month” But he didn’t respond verbally, instead his eyes glassed and he quickly looked away.  It wasn’t until I moved the catalog into rubber maid file pile that I realized what was going on.  For him those little pink baubles, and the catalogs entering the house with order forms that like our dream remain unfulfilled is a constant reminder of what should have been…sadly as December 15th approaches the marketing departments will simply step up their efforts in an attempt to garner business for a baby that should have been…ironically this is the emotional  response from someone who professes to not NEED to be a parent…


7 responses to “Scenes From The Mail…

  1. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to receive such things in the mail, time after time. I do know how awful it is to see the sadness and grief in your husband’s eyes when baby topics come up. My DH didn’t take it so badly in the beginning, but five years and seven foetuses later, he’s beginning to give up hope. And it tears me up inside to watch that spark of his go out.

    Sending you my thoughts. Getting through approaching due dates is not easy. *hugs*

  2. Oh Susan, I am sorry that you have and Jake have had fresh wounds opened repeatedly. (I am also sorry that the diapers and pink stuff was for me cause I certainly didn’t mean to cause any extra pain.) I hated when I received the samples and magazines and coupons for the baby that we lost. I eventually had to to call those places and ask them to take me off the mailing list. It was just easier so that it wasn’t a fresh reminder everytime one arrived. It is so hard to say one thing with you mouth and head yet still feel it in your heart that something is missing. I am so sorry that you still have this emotional roller coaster to endure. Sending hugs for you and Jake as you continue to go through this journey.

  3. I’m so sorry that happened – I know how tough that can be. I remember pre-screening the mail before Constance could get to it in order to discard anything that might cause pain.

    Serious amounts of love to you and Jake.

  4. That is so hard. I cannot even imagine. I’m sending you some serious hugs and well wishes.

    As for the comment on my blog – the 100 people thing – it’s a hubby choice. He really doesn’t want to tell anyone we’re going through IVF. You’re right though, it is surprising to find out how many people go through IF. I’m surprised each day with the people I do share.


  5. Hold on tight! It’s difficult when the one protecting you from experiencing hurt reveals how much he is hurting as well. Sending Hug to you and Jake as continue to protect each other while dealing with this pain.


  6. So sad. My husband can be similar in that you don’t know what is steaming beneath the surface until something triggers and eruption.

    Maybe this means you will find alternate ways to parent after all?

    May you continue to find joy and happiness as a family of two, if not three someday.

  7. Susan I totally understand your feelings as well as Jacob’s. My due date is the 26th of this month. We’ve been receiving baby samples, coupons, phamplets, etc. for several months.

    Recently we’ve been bombarded with even more baby items. It’s overwhelming and heart breaking. McHottie does exactly like Jacob…puts on a strong face but deep inside each time he looks at the mail it’s like the dagger goes deeper into his heart.

    I pray every day that we (you and I) will find parenthood….sooner rather than later.

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