After spending an hour at the PCP’s office this morning I went and spent the afternoon with my mom.
First things first, I have been diagnosed with pre-hypertension. If Dr. L had his way two things would occur immediately. First, I would come off the pill today. Second, I would begin taking an Ace Inhibitor. However, since I have PCOS, and since I would like to try to become pregnant again in December those are impossible to prescribe. He tells me that if it weren’t for the PCOS that I wouldn’t have type 2 diabetes, and that if I didn’t have type 2 diabetes that my level of pre-hypertension would not cause him to want to treat it. Instead we would simply keep an eye on it. However with the type 2, my kidneys are already under stress. Add to that hypertension in what ever stage and they are under additional stress which is not an ideal situation.
Since we are unyielding in our desire to attempt a pregnancy, and further un yielding in my need to take the pill for cycle regularity he is going to contact Rebecca to find a middle ground SHORT TERM. Long term, we need to come to the end of TTC so that I can go on an ace inhibitor. Thus, if we don’t become pregnant within the 4 cycles that we have allotted we need to come to a conclusion of what to do long term to control my dysfunctional uterine bleeding attributed to the PCOS. I am not ready for the game to be over. I always had delusions that I could try on our own until menopause. Have a ready to fill script of Provera available to me, and all would be well in those annovulatory months. Now I am being told that, that goal is unreasonable. Which it is. Ultimately not having a child won’t kill me. However pre-hypertension becoming stage 1,2 or 3 hypertension could. The question then remains how stubborn do I wish to be?
At my mothers after we discussed this she asked about our holiday plans. I told her that as of right now Jacob and I had agreed that were weren’t celebrating this year. “Oh thats ridiculous” She says. “No, its not. Christmas should have been exceptionally exciting for us this year. Instead its going to be very disappointing and I frankly don’t want to be the cause of anyones misery” She then says to me “Just be glad you weren’t pregnant longer. At least this time it was early”
I couldn’t believe that she was dismissing my child so easily. “You know mom, to you 7 1/2 weeks passed as quick as a snap of the finger. However to Jacob and I, as is always the case, that child had lived a life time. From the moment of the positive pregnancy test we were in love with that child, and it wouldn’t have mattered if we lost him then, or if we lost him at birth. In those moments between Jacob I am pregnant and its a non viable pregnancy we lived a life time, and in those moments we were a family. We lost what may have been our final child and there is no blanket statement of at least it was early that will make it better” She apologized, and I know she means it. She is just of “that generation” She herself had a miscarriage, but the only difference was she had already had a living child. She knew that odds were she would have another.
The odds aren’t in my favor. Perhaps had Isaac been born 10 years ago, then yes this miscarriage and those before it would have been easier. But nothing, no matter what the case study can convince me that it was any better just because “it was early”