On Friday I had what I hope is my last break down over loosing our last baby. Prior to this break down Jacob and I discussed at length while on vacation our end game. The possibilities were: Mini IVF at a cost of $4800 at a clinic in New York. 4 IUI’s at a cost of $1200 each. 4 month trying with timed intercourse to use up the meds that are currently chilling in the crisper of my refridgerator. Or finally do nothing. Admit that our last loss was our last loss and try to move on. Mini IVF most appealed to me. I know that its an end game in and of its self because Jacob told me regardless of outcome that it was the last time he would spend money on an attempt to get us pregnant.
Of course the wheels turn, and I try to figure out the least painful yet the quickest way of coming up with $5000 so that I can finally say I get to try IVF. In the middle of my plotting and pondering a feeling of over whelming remorse washed over me. I felt that I hadn’t done enough as “Aaron’s” mother to make sure that “he” was gone before letting them inject Methotrexate into my hips. Would I still be pregnant had I just waited it out? The answer is he was already gone before Methotrexate was even given as an option, but that didn’t make me feel any better. Then in the middle of that rant I realized I didn’t even feel like I wanted to throw away money on a maybe, I just wanted to know that I could if the option arose, and here was thatoption. As I weighted the options I realized is no guarantee that scrimping and saving culminating with 2 weeks in New York for 1 shot at IVF that we would have a child. The question formed: Did I really want to spend all that money and still be a childless mother? The answer, though it sat in my stomach like a massive bowling ball was NO I didn’t, and it was the first time that I really felt at peace with the whole IVF issue.
In the car later that evening I said to Jacob, I want to buy a motor cycle. We had discussed it earlier while we were driving a friend home from work, but it was more in a joking manner. This time I wanted him to know I was serious. “But I thought we were going to save the money or open a health savings account so you could have your IVF?” He asked/stated in quite a perplexed fashion. I then told him what I said here. I would love to be able to be free to just try and try and try, but since it is such a long shot that I would carry to term even if I got pregnant with IVF why spend the money? Why not instead start realizing some other dreams that have been on hold? He agreed with that, but a motorcycle? This seemed more like a childish, rather than childless fantasy. However I assured him that this was not a midlife crisis (though I wondered myself). But rather something that I felt like I wanted to do. I have spent the last few years being careful; no caffeine, Tylenol only, no hot baths; making sure my lap top wasn’t sitting direclty on my lap. Why not re-discover that “tom boy” that you fell in love with? The one who climbed the sides of cliffs just because they were there? Or the girl who convinced you to go white water rafting just for the thrill?
He said “maybe” but I told him he didn’t get a vote.
He admitted later that his worst fear is the police calling to tell him that I was dead. Not because of something I had done, but because of something someone else had done. I told him that wouldn’t happen. The police wouldn’t call. They would come to the front door. Points for sarcasm, but no points for convincing him that this was something I really wanted.
Over the weekend we discussed both the bike and potential babies even more. I don’t think I will ever 100% say we are done trying. So long as we are playing co-ed naked twister there is a 3% chance a year that I will get pregnant. However, what I have 100% given up is pursuing IVF. I don’t think it was ever completely out of our league…we could have save the full $10,000 to have it done locally over 2 years or both Jacob and I would have had to open HSAs. We would have lived on less than $40,000 a year combined if we had…but you know what…5 years ago we weren’t even making close to that and we bought a house and a brand new car with cash (the car not the house). So it would have been possible…but it was easier to say “I can’t” rather than I really may not want too…
As for right now I am more relaxed than I was in March even. I can feel a smile on my face and I can already hear the sound of the engine as I throttle up and ride. A motorcycle, or a trip to Europe, or even a convertable car will never replace the sound of being called “Mommy”…but it sure will make for an interesting ride…
ISN’T THIS IRONIC???
10/23 – 11/21
Is someone pushing you to make a choice? If you’re not ready, then push right back.
It’s time to take a big step back away from your problems and try to really think things through. Your mental energy is perfect for the task at hand and you have more time than you realize.