I am interupting my blogging vacation so that I can purge.
With temperatures being a solid 98.4, and having pulled a 66.53 on my P4 test I decided to POAS on Friday. I pulled the faintest most invisible pink BFP unless you took the test apart + imaginable. I kid you not. Looking at the test you would say its BFN, but something made me think there was a line there, and sure enough when you take the top off the test it is there in all shades of light. So I spent Friday vascilating. Pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant. If I poked the girls they hurt, if I take my bra off they feel heavy, Jake says they are bigger but then maybe its the bra. Saturday 98.6 13 days post ovulation. Girls still heavy and sore. Cervix however not at all pregnant. Test midafternoon unequivicably BFN.
14 DPO temp 98.4, no spotting or staining and no symptoms at all. 10 p.m., I start on the worst crying jag in recent history. It starts with my mourning “Aaron”, then leads into the fact that in the 2 months that I have ovulated I have failed to become pregnant again, which explodes into I will never get pregnant again. Round and round we go. After an hour I fall asleep, and its restful. 15 dpo, 98.4 no cramps but no pregnancy symptoms either. Once again I pull a BFN.
In the car I tell Jacob I am going to have the doctor prescribe Seasonique (I had to reschedule Friday’s appointment). He has no idea what Seasonique is, but that doesn’t stop me from telling him that he doesn’t care. When I finally explain and he still had no opinion I tell him that he never cared about the miscarriages. See, this is where we circle this is my ussual recourse-Doesn’t care about miscarriages, Doesn’t care how they affect me, Doesn’t care that I will never get pregnant again without help, Not fair that we can’t do IVF. Its all circular, it follows the same pattern. He retorts with, we can do IVF if we default on every credit card payment that I have, if we default on our student loans, if we only pay the mortgage, car and utilities. We are over extended there is no room for any more loans. He is right, but I again feel defeated. Circle complete.
I have one explaination as to why I am late, but have no BFP. Last Wednesday I was racked with R sided pain that sent me home from work. I believe, without diagnosis that it was an ovarian cyst that burst. One of two senerios are in play–I had a functional cyst that caused my P4 to be so high. I didn’t ovulate at all. Second senerio plays into the first, the functional cyst mimiced ovulation, and then later burst. Thus delaying the arrival of my cycle. Otherwise this doesn’t make sense. I have a 12 day LP like clock work so to be at 15 dpo with no BFP on the horizion is just absolutely driving me batty.
Despite the rational behind being late, it still didn’t stop the circular argument but it did re-affirm that the sooner I get on birth control the happier I will be. I so want to be pregnant again…but like Jacob pointed out…I need to stop being so consumed by it too.
I am going back into vacation mode now that I have purged. Hopefully by this time next week with sun bleached hair, and wet sand between my toes I will be sufficiently calmer, and will be ready to face the mundane reality that is my life…