Maybe When You Relax…

I expect stupid, idiotic, ill planned responses from those who don’t know me well, or those who think infertility equals 6 months of trying. “Maybe if you just relax you will get pregnant again and carry to term” Typically I give a smart ass response such as, “well we have a cruise to no where planned, so maybe you are right” I could understand these comments if Jacob I had been married for a year, or if I were still in my 20’s, or if my blood pressure weren’t close to perfect that perhaps I am trying too hard. However when your sibling tells you that it may happen when you relax is just idiotic.

Sadly, from the year when we attended our foster parenting classes we had amassed quite the collection of baby items. In our county if you wanted to foster infants you had to have the appropriate bed room set up and the correct car seats properly installed in order to pass your home study. As a result we had at one point a complete nursery set up in our 3rd bedroom. It came in handy as my sisters both had children within the two year period following that aborted attempt at parenthood. It seems that the county of Allegheny doesn’t believe that you can be a good potential adoptive parent if you are still pursuing infertility treatments. So they got the polite F*CK OFF response from me. However as I cut my nose off to spite my face I was still left with what to do with these baby items that the niece and nephew had outgrown quickly given that their weekend visits were only once a month at best, and given that Sara co-slept regardless of whose house she was at.

Slowly we started getting rid of things. The car seat was sold on Ebay. The crib shipped to Michigan to a friend who adopted her infant nephew and then discovered she was pregnant with twins. The stroller into the garbage. You get the idea. Then right before I got pregnant I did another purge. Up in the attic was a comforter bag FILLED with baby clothes, blankets, diaper bag, and bedding. When no one wanted those they as well got pitched. Which left me with two items left, and then I got pregnant. Our baby would use the bouncer seat and the bassinet at Grandma’s house I decided. So those stayed in Jacob’s office where they would patiently wait for our December 15th arrival. When that failed to produce I didn’t have the heart to deal with those items, but yesterday while looking for my DMC thread so I could start a cross stitch pattern I came across the bassinet and base. Not being in a good place I took the base to the front porch with the intention of throwing it in the garbage on Monday.

On Sunday when Erica called I asked if she knew of anyone who could use the items? She does not. She then asked me if I wanted the bedding back that they used for Timothy that had been in our crib. I told her NO. I don’t think I will ever get pregnant again. I think if we ever are to carry to term that Dr. Kauma was correct, I need IVF, and further I need PGD and or donor eggs. Her answer was “Maybe when you relax you will get and stay pregnant” What amazed me wasn’t her ignorance, but my response. I was calm, I didn’t get upset. I explained the situation as if she didn’t know me. “Erica, its been 10 years, couple that with my early miscarriages, my PCOS, and at least $5000 worth of treatments and medications we are beyond the maybe being high stung needing to relax point”

What’s funnier about that statement is that I don’t get neurotic until after I have ovulated, after conception should have taken place. You know after the point where “relaxing” would even make a difference. Oh well. I guess as long as there are people who just don’t get that infertility isn’t a choice, but a medical problem their prescription when $10,000 IVF’s still fail to produce offspring 100% of the time will be “maybe if you just relax” Yeah thats it, just relax. Jeeves, where’s my beer? I need to mellow out….


9 responses to “Maybe When You Relax…

  1. This is right up there with my grandma’s words of, “I believe babies are a gift from God” in reference to my infertility. Although I wasn’t too nice in my response of, “God doesn’t ‘gift’ babies to crackheads ect, ect.”

  2. Cassie (DS Friend)

    After 8 years of trying, I still get these comments also. Sometimes you want to scream, other’s you just act like they said something so funny that you give them a “luv tap” and walk away. I am at the point where I just look at them, say “it’s never going to happen, so let’s not discuss it further” and pretend nothing was ever said. Unfortunately those people will never know our struggles and it’s not worth me getting more upset trying to explain my pain to them. It does bother me when those closest to me are the ones who sometimes make things comments. I know that most fo the time they are just trying to comfort and make me feel better. But they’ve seen our struggle, I feel they are the ones who should understand us most.
    Anyway, sorry to ramble.

  3. I visited with a cousin this weekend who started trying to get pregnant about six months before me and also suffered a miscarriage like me. I took comfort in knowing that even though I had been trying for 2 years, she had been trying for 2.5 and been though everything I had. Well, she’s pregnant now and I was truly happy for her until she said those awful words, “Everyone said if we quit trying we would get pregnant and guess what?!?! We got pregnant the month we quit trying! Maybe you should quit trying too!”

    If our mothers hadn’t of been there I probably would have kicked her in the teeth.

  4. I am sorry that your sister was the one to give you the relaxing solution. It is hard when we expect our family to support us even if they don’t exactly understand and we know that when they say something like that, that truly they don’t. While I don’t necessarily understand everything that you have been through I know that “Just Relaxing” is not a magic cure. I am sorry that you had to endure this yet again and at the hands of a family member. No Matter what you say, you will not make her understand any better. (Sadly as that sounds, I have tried to explain myself to my mother a gazillion times and it is almost like she doesn’t want to understand.)

    *By the way, if you don’t want to just trash the leftover stuff, you can sell it back to Once.upon.a.child. in Monroe.ville or you can try donating it to your church. Many times times with gently used items they can be used again rather than just throwing them in the trash. Just a thought.

  5. People don’t get that IF is a disease not a bad day. That’s why I’ve only told a handful of people about our IF. And even then they still hand out stupid assvice. For isntance, my BFF asked me the other day how I was “really” feeling (yeah she knows me well). I told her I was in a bad place right now. Her assvice…”stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have so much to be thankful for. God only gives you what you can handle”. Gee thanks that was helpful. Apparently God doesn’t think I can handle a baby. *Bangs head against walls*

  6. The problem is that you hear about these stories of people who “stop trying” (whatever that means) and miraculously get pregnant only because they are extremely rare. And then people remember them, because they stand out (versus the countless people who aren’t blessed with this total coincidence). Also, pop culture doesn’t help — see Charlotte in the SATC movie who gets pregnant and delivers only once she adopts (The message being: adoption is the consolation prize! The real prize is a biological child!). So not helpful!

    You’ve hit the nail on the head — people don’t get that it’s a medical condition…you wouldn’t tell someone with breast cancer to just go relax and they’ll be cured.

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this baby equipment quandary. Hopefully you have found a non-painful way to deal with those remaining items.

  7. I would have never thought your sis would have said that.

    I wish that all medical condition could be relazed away.

    I must say that I am glad you responded the way you did. Maybe she will understand just a little better and think it through before making such a statement.

  8. Yeah, I got one of those from a nurse at the hospital yesterday who was attending to my husband after his angioplasty. Somehow the subject of me taking shots came up and we said we were going through infertility treatments. She said “maybe you’ll be like me. We were just getting ready to start IVF when I got pregnant. And, then, I got pregnant again right after delivering my first.” I said, “well, we are getting ready to start our 6th IVF, so, I think that time has passed for us” and she, in all her brilliance, said “well, I hope you’re continuing to try between IVF’s because cycles are so stressful and you’re more relaxed in between.”

    Um yeah, I can say, with full authority, that my most relaxed times have NOT been when I’ve not been in an active IVF cycle!

  9. AMEN!

    I Nodded and MmmHmmmd through all that.

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