I have done very well at making you all think that I am calm and serene…calm and serene. Well its a ll a big freaking sham. Yup, I am neurotic. I know EXACTLY how many days post ovulation I am. I know that for the day or two after ovulation that my temperature went from 97.9 to 98.4 to 98.6 and that today at 5 dpo that it went back down to 98.3 I know that my prolactin level that was 17.something on cycle day 9 is now 26.8 at 5 days post ovulation.
I know that if the lab does not hurry up and process my P4 results (everything else is done) SOON from today that I may loose my flipping mind! Seriously, I might. I will be the woman on the street walking around with two different color crocs on babbling about how the world is coming to an end. Children will point and stare as their parents take them by their shoulders and guide them away from the crazy loon. All the while whispering “Johnny its not nice to stare” But you know what, who can blame Johnny? I have lost my mind!
All is not completely lost. I do not have any delusions of grandure that on Aug 18th that I will whip a magic stick out of the foil wrapper and that when I pee on it there will be two lines. No, I fully have prepared myself that on Aug the 17th that AF will arrive in all of her glory, thus potentially ruining the first driving day to the beach. Of course the other part of me. The non logical side that continues to check Cerner to see if the rest of my lab work is back says…”well if AF doesn’t show up on Sunday the 17th I will wait until I return on the 26th to test” See in my mind by then I will past the point where I was in April when the spotting started, and the ultimate diagnosis of a non viable pregnancy occured. Sure if there is a pregnancy it still could be non viable, but if I am not spotting I will feel better.
This is so why if we are not actively trying to conceive that I NEED to be on birth control. I am not a patient person when it comes to the possible ‘miracle’ none tried for, but very welcomed if it occurs pregnancy. I am just not. Its just like when I am actively trying…I NEED to know what is going on in my body, and today is no different. Knowing is not going to change the outcome. Say my P4 is only 25.90 I will know I ovulated, but then what? I know I still have at least 8 days until AF comes. Or on the odd chance that its 4.41 then I know I didn’t ovulate…and you know what? That STILL doesn’t change anything. Yet here I am heart pounding in my chest waiting for them to put that last bit of information into the computer so that I can absorb it all.
I know…I know…I promised not to do this. Well I lied. What I do promise is that next week when I see the GYN that I am going to ask for Seasonique. The 3 month birth control. Until I can go 3 SOLID months without obsessing about cervical mucus, cervical position, cervical firmness, or how high my P4 level is then I do not need to have the privledge of procreation.