I only turned on comment moderation so that I would know at a glance of my email if anyone had commented on a particular post for the day. I have never, until July 7th ever denied a comment. I am a firm believer in free speech even if it disagrees with what I believe in. Yet on July 7th a comment was made, and at first I felt that there was misunderstanding in my wording so I replied via email in an effort to further make my stance known. In response to that I was told that my commenter was disappointed because she was only trying to enlighten others. So here goes. Here is the comment to my bad day yesterday:
Please don’t be mad at what I have to say to this post. When you say that adoption is so low on your list, it hurts me. Not for me, but for you. When you put it the way you did, it sounds like it is not a good thing. Adoption is a perfect thing. I have been pg three times and have never had a baby. However, I have three kids. I have had the youngest since he was only 3 days old and took him home from the hospital. I got all the first, the umbilical chord, the first diaper change, the first bath, smile, laugh, word, EVERYTHING. Nothing is more beautiful. I am at a place where I can say I am GLAD that I had my m/c’s. I am GLAD I could not stay pg. I am a mommy. I had baby showers, I celebrate all the holidays, visits to Santa, t-ball, scraped knees, reading bedtime stories, I am a part of mom groups, I get to hide Easter baskets, tell them to be careful, take family pictures, go to school programs, get big hugs and kisses, change dirty diapers, all because I chose not to
suffer anymore. I want these things for you Susan. If you are childless for the rest of your life, that will be YOUR choice. Infertility is not a choice. It is a cruel, horrible curse given to some of us and we try all we can to undo this curse. But if we can’t, there are other, even more fulfilling ways to be mommies if we chose not to let that cruel curse define our life. We might not know those blessings if adoption is at the bottom of our lists.
In response to this, do you feel enlightened? I certainly don’t. I feel judged.
Life is FULL of choices, and the majority of them are hard. Pursuing adoption does not guarantee success at the end of the road. IVF doesn’t insure a baby at the end of 9 months. I have a commenter who can personally tell you that. However in many of these cases a choice has to be made. I don’t have $10,000 laying around for IVF, and I certainly don’t have $10,000 plus laying around for adoption. But lets say for a moment that I did. Jake and I would have a decision to make. We decide to pursue adoption…1 year goes by–no baby. 2 years go by–no baby. 3 years go by–no baby. In the end I am still childless, based on a CHOICE. The flip side, we pursue IVF instead. We have 1 go. I get pregnant the first try, lucky me. At 5 weeks and 2 days though my beta hasn’t sufficiently climbed and once again its a non viable pregnancy and I don’t have any frozen embryo’s left. I am still childless all because of a CHOICE.
I COMMEND any husband and wife who open their hearts and arms and adopt. I WISH my husband was one who would do the same but he isn’t. Each and every one of us has our limits, and he knows his. There was a time when Jacob’s attitude towards us getting pregnant was “if it happens it happens” Then one day not so long ago it was he who sat in our 3rd doctors office with him holding my hand while the doctor explained how he would attempt to get me pregnant this time. There may come a day when Jacob feels he can be an adoptive father, or there may come a day when he feels we can take a $10,000 loss and we decide to do IVF but until then we have to make the hard choices and if that means we remain childless then that is how the cookie will crumble, and yes that will suck but if that is how I meant to live my life then that is how my life will be lived.
To be honest, I don’t feel that I have missed out. I have been pregnant and it has been wonderful. I have seen a 28 week ultrasound. I have held a freshly bathed newborn, and have even changed the first diaper. Heck, on occasion they have even called me Mommy, but I much prefer Aunt Susan any day.
Frankly, I don’t feel enlightened, I feel pissed off and judged.