Do You Feel Enlightened?

I only turned on comment moderation so that I would know at a glance of my email if anyone had commented on a particular post for the day.  I have never, until July 7th ever denied a comment.  I am a firm believer in free speech even if it disagrees with what I believe in.  Yet on July 7th a comment was made, and at first I felt that there was misunderstanding in my wording so I replied via email in an effort to further make my stance known.  In response to that I was told that my commenter was disappointed because she was only trying to enlighten others.  So here goes.  Here is the comment to my bad day yesterday:

Please don’t be mad at what I have to say to this post.  When you say that adoption is so low on your list, it hurts me.  Not for me, but for you.  When you put it the way you did, it sounds like it is not a good thing.  Adoption is a perfect thing.  I have been pg three times and have never had a baby.  However, I have three kids.  I have had the youngest since he was only 3 days old and took him home from the hospital.  I got all the first, the umbilical chord, the first diaper change, the first bath, smile, laugh, word, EVERYTHING.  Nothing is more beautiful.  I am at a place where I can say I am GLAD that I had my m/c’s.  I am GLAD I could not stay pg.  I am a mommy.  I had baby showers, I celebrate all the holidays, visits to Santa, t-ball, scraped knees, reading bedtime stories, I am a part of mom groups, I get to hide Easter baskets, tell them to be careful, take family pictures, go to school programs, get big hugs and kisses, change dirty diapers, all because I chose not to
suffer anymore.  I want these things for you Susan.  If you are childless for the rest of your life, that will be YOUR choice.  Infertility is not a choice.  It is a cruel, horrible curse given to some of us and we try all we can to undo this curse.  But if we can’t, there are other, even more fulfilling ways to be mommies if we chose not to let that cruel curse define our life.  We might not know those blessings if adoption is at the bottom of our lists.

In response to this, do you feel enlightened?  I certainly don’t.  I feel judged.

Life is FULL of choices, and the majority of them are hard.  Pursuing adoption does not guarantee success at the end of the road.  IVF doesn’t insure a baby at the end of 9 months.  I have a commenter who can personally tell you that.  However in many of these cases a choice has to be made.  I don’t have $10,000 laying around for IVF, and I certainly don’t have $10,000 plus laying around for adoption.  But lets say for a moment that I did.  Jake and I would have a decision to make.  We decide to pursue adoption…1 year goes by–no baby.  2 years go by–no baby.  3 years go by–no baby.  In the end I am still childless, based on a CHOICE.  The flip side, we pursue IVF instead.  We have 1 go.  I get pregnant the first try, lucky me.  At 5 weeks and 2 days though my beta hasn’t sufficiently climbed and once again its a non viable pregnancy and I don’t have any frozen embryo’s left.  I am still childless all because of a CHOICE.

I COMMEND any husband and wife who open their hearts and arms and adopt.  I WISH my husband was one who would do the same but he isn’t.  Each and every one of us has our limits, and he knows his.  There was a time when Jacob’s attitude towards us getting pregnant was “if it happens it happens”  Then one day not so long ago it was he who sat in our 3rd doctors office with him holding my hand while the doctor explained how he would attempt to get me pregnant this time.  There may come a day when Jacob feels he can be an adoptive father, or there may come a day when he feels we can take a $10,000 loss and we decide to do IVF but until then we have to make the hard choices and if that means we remain childless then that is how the cookie will crumble, and yes that will suck but if that is how I meant to live my life then that is how my life will be lived.

To be honest, I don’t feel that I have missed out.  I have been pregnant and it has been wonderful.  I have seen a 28 week ultrasound.  I have held a freshly bathed newborn, and have even changed the first diaper.  Heck, on occasion they have even called me Mommy, but I much prefer Aunt Susan any day.

Frankly, I don’t feel enlightened, I feel pissed off and judged.


10 responses to “Do You Feel Enlightened?

  1. Where do I begin?
    Should I begin with the assumptive nature of adoption on her part? Should I begin with the judgmental attitude?

    As a Pre-Adoptive parent and one who has been duped by the system, I can tell you that had I known then what I know now about adoption, I’m not sure I would have pursued it. In 2003, after our first failed IVF cycle, we were completely against doing anything else with regard to parenting. Adoption was NOT something we wanted to pursue since it would involve another $20 000 with no guarantee of a child in the end. Most of the people we know supported us. When we finally decided to pursue international adoption, we did so with the knowledge that China was the most stable and reputable program out there. We were told that we would have a referral in 6 – 9 months. That was in January of 2006. We are still waiting and the wait is set to increase; we likely won’t get a referral until 2012. No, adoption is not an easy choice nor path to walk. It would be LOVELY to say that it is as easy as this commenter makes it seem, but it is simply not that way for the majority of people. I have friends who have been through scams in domestic adoption and who have been waiting for years for a potential birth parent to choose her. The ups and downs of adoption are just as difficult to endure as those of infertility.

    As for her judgmental nature? I am always amazed at those who go on to have children after miscarriages and infertility. Amazed at how high up on their horses they get and at how quickly they forget just how difficult a process this is. It’s so easy to sit from the vantage point of a parent and judge those of us who are struggle with childlessness. They have absolutely NO RIGHT to judge us, to give advice to us nor can they possibly say they have any idea what we are going through. No, if you have children, your words no longer have the same carriage as those of us who struggle without the reward.
    Be strengthened…you are supported.

  2. That pisses me off! To me, that comment was just rubbing everything in your face! Adoption worked for her, good for her…but it’s not for everyone. DH and I are starting IVF#2, and if we didn’t have insurance coverage, we wouldn’t even be doing that. Like you, we don’t have an extra $20K just lying around, and unfortunately, the market is soft so there is no way to take it out of the house, not that we would. She has no right to judge your decisions. You and Jacob have to do what is right for you. Like you said, maybe down the line things will change and you will pursue adoption. That’s your choice and you’re entitiled to it.

  3. I believe that you hit the nail right on the head with what you are saying.

    As you state in your various examples you can make every effort to achieve your choice and still not be able to get what you are choosing. And in our making choices as married people we have more that just ourselves to consider. Our partner who is with us thru everything we experience also has a choice.

    Now while this isn’t kindergarden, I learned a lot there and one of those things was to think before I speak, and that holds true in blogging too. If it would hurt you, it will likely hurt someone else…What is her intention here? Why does it sound accusatory when she says your choice. (I am not sure that is the correct wording for what I am trying to say). Is she now reflecting the hurt she felt when someone said those words to her.

    I feel the purpose of your blog is to exchange life experiences with the thought of helping each other get through what ever they are dealing with right now. Blogging is a way to purge some of your thoughts, emotions without someone telling you what to do. And at the same time giving each person the opportunity to know someone gets what is going on with them. It helps to know that what you feel other had felt as well so you really are not crazy and that you are just a person doing whatever they can to deal with what life has cruelly forced on them.

    She says that she is happy with her life right now and the choice she made. But it really sounds like she wishes someone had not forced their choice on her. She may not totally regret her choice but I don’t think she truly accepts the choice she made.

  4. I think that while there are plenty of people that have had successful adoptions there are probably just as many who have not. The thing is that there are no guarantees in life. Any choice that is being made whether it be adoption, ivf, to remain childless, or to be foster parents, can only be best made by the people going through that. Nobody else can make any choice for you. What is best for somebody else, may not be best for you or your husband. There might even be other reasons for making a choice or not making a choice that are not posted on this blog. Sometimes it is financial, sometimes it is emotional, and sometimes it is a combination of a whole bunch of factors. Nobody should be judged what is best for their life based on somebody else’s opinions. Only you and Jake can make the decisions for your life and what choices are best. Whether that be trying to get pregnant again through ivf, pursuing adoption, or by pursuing no additional measures to become parents. Each one comes with its own set of physical, emotional, financial, and other repurcussions. The choices we make is what differentiate us between other people. No choice is right for everybody. Whatever choice you and Jake make is yours alone to make. While it doesn’t hurt to seek advice or input about how to make those choices, ultimately the bottom line is that the choice is yours (you and Jake)and yours alone to make no matter what the outcome is.

  5. Cassie (DS Friend)

    I’m very sad for the person who made this comment, and angry all at the same time. Adoption worked for her, great. But it isn’t for everyone. I’m very open to adoption. I have a cousin who has 2 beautiful adopted children because she suffers from IF and had multiple (11) m/c’s in 15 yrs. But, I’ve also seen her heart break when she thought she was getting a child and then said child was ripped from her arms. Her first child they met when she was 6 months old and then the foster parents decided they wanted her and they didn’t get custody until she was 18 months old. I have been there for her thru her roller coaster ride. She is now a foster parent also. I give her all the credit in the world for the job she does as a foster parent, adoptive parent, and a daycare provider. But, adoption isn’t for everyone. You have to do what’s right for you. If i had the money, we would adopt in the next 2 years, but we don’t, so we can’t. I won’t get into all the issues surrounding adoptions these days, it isn’t as easy as what this person makes it out to be. Infertility is a growing epidemic and for people not to recognize the pain and agony we go thru on a daily basis breaks my heart. If you haven’t been thru it, you don’t know, and even some of those who have been thru it, don’t remember the pain of IF after they have children. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on a tirade, I just want you to know that there are people out here who understand what you are going thru and support you no matter where your life takes you.

  6. I stumbled onto this post & just wanted to say “bravo” (& that it’s going into my “favourite posts” folder!). Bravo as well to the commenters above me, you have all said it much better than I ever could.

    I get pissed off when people say I am childless “by choice,” because it really wasn’t something that I willingly or gladly chose, more like a choice by process of elimination, & also considering all the circumstances. No “choice” that we make is ever perfect. I’m glad adoption worked out so well for her, but it is not “a perfect thing” for everyone.

    Basically what she’s telling you is that if you don’t have a baby, it’s your own fault. It’s bad enough hearing this from people who haven’t struggled with infertility, but when it’s someone who really should know better…

  7. I think the previous commenters said it all. I will say that I can understand where the adoption commenter is coming from. I don’t think she means to be judgmental, she just wants to help take away your pain and she has a solution that worked wonderfully for her. Perhaps it was an easy decision for her too and she can’t understand why it would be difficult for others.

    I used to think people who didn’t do “whatever it takes” to have a child, didn’t want one badly enough. Fortunately, I think I (mostly) kept my mouth shut during that time. Since then, I have learned that you can come to the end of your financial, emotional and/or physical resources before you fulfill your desire to parent. I have also learned how difficult it can be to accept a different path to parenthood. So many times during this recent pregnancy I wondered if it was the right choice – would I have been better off not having children because I wouldn’t be able to fully accept a DE baby?

    On the other side, I am very glad that we were able to try one more time and be able to carry and give birth to our DE baby. But it could have gone differently. That one magic embryo could have failed to implant (we transferred 3 and one is in the freezer) and we may have decided to give up. I believe with all my heart that I wouldn’t be pursuing adoption now if it didn’t work. Not because it isn’t a good option, but because I wouldn’t have had anything left to give to the process.

  8. Susan, I am so sorry you had to be exposed to such ignorance. That is just so unfortunate. How you feel is how so many of us struggling with infertility feel. Sure, there are those that have struggled with infertility and have gone on to have children. But, no body is the same and regardless of the outcome, having our noses rubbed in what already pains us is absolutely unacceptable. You have all of our support in everything you have said and I hope that puts a smile on your face…if anything, just to know you are not alone in how you feel.

  9. I can’t say it any better than the above commentors. I’ve had my comment moderator since the beginning of my blog. It’s amazing how much assvice is given out by people who supposedly know what you are going through.

    You handled yourself well. Big hugs.

  10. Christine (DS)

    Adoption just like IVF is a choice. Neither is guaranteed. And no one has the right to tell you what to choose. We wouldn’t have 10K to spend on it either. The fact that she assumed to know what was best for you really bothered me. Just because that was the best situation for her doesn’t mean it’s the best for you.

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