I know I promised to regale you with the continuing saga that led Jacob and I to the alter 10 years ago today, but I am just not feeling up to it.
Everyday I think I am OK with the fact that we will likely be child free, or that I am over my latest miscarriage. Then out of no where a phrase or a reminder of these facts throws me back over the edge where I sit and wait for someone to throw me a rope so I can safely climb back over.
The latest was a conversation with my mother in law. I know that my miscarriages haven’t affected the extended family as they have me. Hell, they haven’t even affected Jacob as they have me. So I can’t expect that when topic of Christmas comes up that they will remember why I don’t wish to participate this year. Nor can I fault her when she tells the story of how her in-laws thought she was infertile because Jacob wasn’t born until they had been married for 19 months. My in-laws were married 4 months before I was born. 15 months later they had their first child. 14 months after giving birth to Jacob, my mother in law gave birth again. In 33 months she delivered two children. By the time they reached the milestone that Jacob and I should be, and kind of are celebrating today she had delivered 3, and was expecting her 4th. I can only imagine how traumatic the thought that you may be infertile must have felt.
My MIL has a brother, and he along with his wife remain childless. I do not know the circumstances of this life story. Was it caused by infertility? Was it caused by multiple miscarriages? Or was it by choice? If it was by choice I wonder how one comes to the conclusion that their lives are fuller with out children than with. My sister was once like that. She had zero desire for the conventions of “regular life” She had no desire to be married, and even less desire for children. Upon her discovery that after years of being successfully on the pill that she was pregnant her axis and her attitude changed. In the two years since the arrival of her son, she has gotten married and plans on launching number two at some point in the not so distant future. Definitely a “which came first the chicken or the egg?” question.
So there are three schools. You have the parents who wanted and obtained pregnancy easily. There is the childless couple who seems to be content with that choice; or with fate as they travel to exotic places and lavish love and attention on their nieces and nephews. Then there is the mother who wanted neither the baby nor the ring, but whom now has both and relishes the roles of wife and mother.
As I stood under the oak tree 10 years ago today I had one wish. That our marriage would be fruitful and that we would multiply more than our hourly wages. So I really don’t fit into any of the above schools. I will never be the fertile myrtle. I will never be content to not have a child, but I have a reluctant husband. IVF procurement is not something he is willing to go into debt for, and adoption or foster parenting is even further down that list. And lastly, I will never fit the mold of someone who never wanted children and either got them or didn’t.
There was a line spoken on Lifetime’s Army Wives a few weeks ago in regards to wanting children and never having them. “It’s easier to pretend I don’t like them, than to be jealous because I don’t have them” So for today…I feel a little like I did on July 3, 1998….I’m ready, but the court house is seemingly closed, and no one can tell me how to find another one…