In one hour and 25 minutes I was supposed to be having a consultation with the doctors at the baby factory, but I cancelled it.
On Friday when I informed Jacob that there was no baby on board we had a discussion about what to do now? Of course he gave me his pat answer of “What ever you want to do we do” Which I love about him. If I told him that we needed to run across the great state of Pennsylvania, and pick the wild flower of the ancient gooseberry tribe he would do it if it meant my happiness. Yet, that is not the answer I wanted. For the most part it has been I who has set the tone and the time table for our conception efforts, and he has come along sometimes unwillingly. Given all that has happened, our miscarriage, his hospital stay, all the changes at work most rational people would say that I rushed things just a bit. At the time however I would have disagreed, but when I confirmed the cycle didn’t work, I knew it to be true. Thus when Jacob said “I would like to stop, even if its just for now” I was more than relieved.
We have often taken a step back, and taken a break and those should have been healthy. But here is how they played out. Month one Nuva Ring or the birth control pill — For 21 days I was content to take a break. Month 2, “how about we try but don’t try?” Of course all the while I would check my cervix, and count the days since our last co-ed naked twister games. Month 3, lets do OPK’s, and take our temperature every day, twister even more timed…not quite the fun and happy break Jacob imagined. By month 4, I was back in the RE’s office because I had called during month 2 to set up the appointment. So our breaks have never really been “just a break” It has always been in the back of my mind that if I don’t try RIGHT NOW then I won’t ever get pregnant again.
That was the same attitude I took into the this last cycle. If I don’t do it RIGHT NOW it will never happen. Well, I rushed Jacob who was in no condition just 3 weeks post hospital stay, but he did it anyway. He asked me to tell him when he needed to perform, and he woudl oblige, and guess what, I didn’t get pregnant. Further, the world did not crumble, and neither did I. Ok, so I did have a negative four day long reaction to PMS, but that is besides the point. When my blood work came back negative I didn’t throw things around my office or slam doors or in my head blame Jacob’s sperm because after all I had ovulated ya know. Instead it was a relief because I am not ready to go through the worry and paranoia that accompanies a BFP for me.
Even so, I will admit that on several occassions on Monday I pulled out the card for the Dr. T’s office. On one occassion I even dialed the number, but hung up quickly. My thought was that if we were going to do this, I would need my ultrasound on Tuesday…after all it was cycle day 3…and after all Jacob did say what ever I wanted and he woudln’t begrudge me that right? But I never did complete the circuit, nor did I re-arrange my work schedule. Yesterday I mentioned that I had this appointment set up for today, and he encouraged me to go, but I knew if I did that we would be jumping right back into the frey, and the paranoia and frustration would simply abound too quickly again.
I know we aren’t DONE. I am starting to see the words THE END rise over the horizon like the sun rises in the morning. But, the horizon is many miles off, and like the sun has an arc so does this journey…and while it maybe high in the sky it hasn’t reached the point of setting yet…
My horoscope said that I have held a dream in my heart and that I should honor it by trying one more time. We probably will, no not probably I know we will. But it just won’t be today…no, not today…but definantely the proverbial tomorrow…