More Sand Yes…Palm Tree NO…

My mother has now joined the MIL on Mother In Law Island. 

After the miscarriage she OFFERED to give us $1500 to cover much of the cost of an IUI with Dr. T.  I couldn’t believe it.  In the past she had expressed displeasure and disinterest in our utilizing artificial insemination as an attempted means to increase our family.  She was even more vocal when I suggested that if funds weren’t of issue that I would also gladly utilize donor sperm, donor eggs, and even a gestational carrier if any of those elements were needed.  Her answer was a resounding “No you will not”  As if she was being given a veto vote.  So when she offered to pay for one complete cycle in July I was astounded.

Jacob and I decided early on that we would not be seeking any loans from family or friends for our conceptual endevours.  Thus, while frustration often abounds this does limit our options to ovulation induction or IUI.  Knowing how he felt about this I did bounce the idea that my mother was willing to write us a check which could essentially equal her throwing money away.  He immediately agreed that if she was willing, we would accept.  However he warned me that I would never see a penny of that money, and I knew he was right.  Then he got sick, and it was a non issue, but now he is better and we are within days of AF starting so its time to move the plan forward…Or so I thought…see mother has her own agenda in the form of a stipulataion…

Her stipulation to us receiving the money is that we tell her if I am pregnant or not now.  Now I know I am not.  My temperature as aforementioned tanked, I have ZERO of the symptoms that I always have with pregnancy, and started PMS at 6 dpo which tells me I am going to have a 10 day LP.  So this is purely speculative, but I told her that we wouldn’t be telling anyone until I met the mark of 13 weeks pregnant, and that included if by some miracle I was pregnant right that second.  “Well you will tell me won’t you?  I will want to spend that money myself if you are”  Now this woman holds a bachelors degree in library sciences.  Now you would think that she would grasp the defenition of EVERYONE. 

That didn’t sit well so things spiraled not only on Friday, when I contained my disappointment but completely crashed and burned on Sunday.  On Sunday after the use of the F word, and much screaming we hung up the phone.  My reaction I completely attribute to hormones, but at the same time I feel like it was a long time coming.  Jake finally relented because he can’t stand confrontation and said “If she wants to know, just tell her”

However the fundamental problem with that is:  Say for a second that I am wrong, this isn’t PMS, all 4 of my thermometers are wrong my temperature didn’t tank, and that I am pregnant.  We tell he and swear her to secrecy.  She will tell my sisters who will also be “sworn to secrecy”, she will tell the neighbors, she will tell the church ladies, and before I know it EVERYONE will know.    I’m sorry, but we are going back to the way its always been NO ONE WILL KNOW WE ARE PREGNANT TILL 12 WEEKS.  I deal far better I have found having a miscarriage silently than with an audience.  Further, we don’t get the money anyway, and she gets what she wants.

The flip side of the coin:  I am right, I am so not pregnant she gives us the money (which she bartered down to $1000).  I have the IUI and don’t get pregnant again.   She will then suspect that I didn’t use the money for an IUI.  Seriously I will have to prove with a canceled check that we used her GIFT for the intended purpose.  PLUS she will call EVERY DAY and again demand to know if I am pregnant or not.

So no, the price is too high, but I am not going to give in.  I never could understand how or why my MIL could just stop speaking to her mother.  Yet, I am quickly learning.  Move over Mary Anne because Marion is about to join ya, and no you don’t have to share your palm tree either…you were there first.

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7 responses to “More Sand Yes…Palm Tree NO…

  1. Well I am sorry that you are even placed in this predicatment. Isn’t this whole thing difficult to deal with emotionally without having to also be the adults in the relationship with parents who are acting like children. I remember after my miscarriage when my mother was very upset because she chose not to come to the hospital right away and when she finally did she was upset because mil was there before her. I was in no place to be the peace keeper at that exact moment. What is wrong with these people that they have to act like children instead of rational adults when the hormones and emotions are flowing.

    Plus you should remind your mother that if you are in fact pregnant, then you wouldn’t need the iui. I can also understand about not telling everybody. We wanted people to know just in case but everybody got the disclaimer because of what happened last time. I forbid my mom from telling all the ladies at church and neighbors and everybody else until way late because the first time I had to untell so many people that I didn’t want to have to go through that again.

    Whatever decision you make about when to tell or not tell has to be the right one for you and your husband (not your mother.) I am glad you stayed strong and stuck with your convictions. Hang in there.

  2. Hi. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I’m trying to catch up to your story… but in reading this post, I felt the need to comment.

    I’m so SORRY about the trouble with MIL and Mother. I haven’t told any family members (minus one who is closed lipped) about TTC so I wouldn’t get asked. Your situation is between a rock and a hard place. Any chance she’d understand not to ask if she realizes she’s stressing you out and not helping?

    Hang in there.

  3. Thanks for visiting my blog. I totally agree with you when you say that you want to wait till 12weeks to tell people. Stay positive and good luck for this cycle.

  4. It’s a shame that our own flesh and blood can’t be more supportive especially when dealing with IF. I’m glad you stuck to your guns.

  5. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    I understand why you will not reveal anything until your are comfortable to let everyopne know.

    However How did you give a gift and them make demands or stipulations on the gift.

    A conditional gift.

    Is there a store on the island?

  6. She sound like a delight…

  7. $1500 is a lot of money and while it would be incredibly useful, it doesn’t sound like it would be worth it.

    I am so sorry. Mothers should be supportive, not high-maintnence.

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