It’s Fathers Day, and a large part of me wants to ask Jake how he feels about that. Mother’s Day affected me profoundly this year. I felt the profoundness of being a mother to children who never were born crushing. Of course it didn’t help that for the week prior to the “day” that all over the television and print ads were pictures, and moving reminders of what we had just lost. It’s different for daddy’s though. I have seen 1 ad for the day, and it was a DQ ad, and it involved a Catholic priest. There are no ads of dad in a wheel chair rubbing his belly while he pants through labor contractions, while mom holds the DQ cake. No jewelry commercials saying “remind him why he is special” Not even a Home Depot commercial urging you not to buy dad a blender when what he really wants is that circular saw. It is interesting isn’t it? Of course if I ask Jacob he will says “It’s just another day” So perhaps I won’t…the last time I tried to discuss anything remotely resembling our children he told me it was too sad…so I will leave it alone.
For me, it is just another day. Its cycle day 13 and it looks like we are going to be annovulatory this cycle My CM that had been egg white for the better part of a week is now creamy, and my temperature rose to 97.8. A whopping .03 rise. Sigh. Even if I manipulate FF and put in a weeks worth of rising temperatures I still don’t get a cover line or ovulation date. So I give up. I have resigned myself that ovulation isn’t imminent nor is it even going to happen this cycle. There is after all a reason why we need the help of the RE to get pregnant you know. I spontaneously ovulate 2-3 times a year and one of those months is ALWAYS without fail September. I don’t know why, but something about September makes me O on my own. Its June, its jut not going to happen.
Now that I know its not going to happen I want AF to hurry up and get here. I want to be able to strip naked from the waist down and have the dildo cam violate me. I want to be tied to home based on the clock and when its time to shoot FSH, HCG, or Ganirelix into the soft flabby flesh that is my belly. I want Nurse Mean to cal me to tell me that NO you aren’t ready to trigger yet despite what your ovaries feel like. I want to be neurotic because I am in the two week wait, not because I am not going to get there.
Yes, its just another day…but you know what…Its another day in paradise because Jacob is alive. I have dear friends (even if I open mouth and insert foot when I call the husband Paul, John, Paul what is your name again?). I have a job that I love like tolerate, that pays the bills, and gives me Saturdays and Sunday’s off. So while I may not be hatching an egg, and while FF may not give me cross hairs any time soon…it really doesn’t matter…its just another day…and as we know…tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.