Just Another Day…

It’s Fathers Day, and a large part of me wants to ask Jake how he feels about that. Mother’s Day affected me profoundly this year. I felt the profoundness of being a mother to children who never were born crushing. Of course it didn’t help that for the week prior to the “day” that all over the television and print ads were pictures, and moving reminders of what we had just lost. It’s different for daddy’s though. I have seen 1 ad for the day, and it was a DQ ad, and it involved a Catholic priest. There are no ads of dad in a wheel chair rubbing his belly while he pants through labor contractions, while mom holds the DQ cake. No jewelry commercials saying “remind him why he is special” Not even a Home Depot commercial urging you not to buy dad a blender when what he really wants is that circular saw. It is interesting isn’t it? Of course if I ask Jacob he will says “It’s just another day” So perhaps I won’t…the last time I tried to discuss anything remotely resembling our children he told me it was too sad…so I will leave it alone.

For me, it is just another day. Its cycle day 13 and it looks like we are going to be annovulatory this cycle My CM that had been egg white for the better part of a week is now creamy, and my temperature rose to 97.8. A whopping .03 rise. Sigh. Even if I manipulate FF and put in a weeks worth of rising temperatures I still don’t get a cover line or ovulation date. So I give up. I have resigned myself that ovulation isn’t imminent nor is it even going to happen this cycle. There is after all a reason why we need the help of the RE to get pregnant you know. I spontaneously ovulate 2-3 times a year and one of those months is ALWAYS without fail September. I don’t know why, but something about September makes me O on my own. Its June, its jut not going to happen.

Now that I know its not going to happen I want AF to hurry up and get here. I want to be able to strip naked from the waist down and have the dildo cam violate me. I want to be tied to home based on the clock and when its time to shoot FSH, HCG, or Ganirelix into the soft flabby flesh that is my belly. I want Nurse Mean to cal me to tell me that NO you aren’t ready to trigger yet despite what your ovaries feel like. I want to be neurotic because I am in the two week wait, not because I am not going to get there.

Yes, its just another day…but you know what…Its another day in paradise because Jacob is alive. I have dear friends (even if I open mouth and insert foot when I call the husband Paul, John, Paul what is your name again?). I have a job that I love like tolerate, that pays the bills, and gives me Saturdays and Sunday’s off. So while I may not be hatching an egg, and while FF may not give me cross hairs any time soon…it really doesn’t matter…its just another day…and as we know…tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.

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7 responses to “Just Another Day…

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re not finding an O date. It sucks to put so much into a cycle and it not cooperate.

    McHottie blurted out today that he knows and understands how I felt on Mother’s Day. Of course this Father’s day stings a little more since Sammie’s no longer with us.

  2. I am wondering on how DH is handling father’s day. I haven’t asked him though but I know we are in different points of our acceptance of IF. The fact that we are childless weighs on him heavily but he won’t tell anyone, not even me. I have learned over the years how to know if something is wrong, I know there is something eating him.

    Yes, tomorrow is the start of the rest of our lives. So today I will enjoy DH.

  3. I too have wondered if Hubby has thought about what this Father’s Day could have been. It took so much courage on my part to admit to him how hard Mother’s Day was for me this year. I really wanted to be brave and pretend like it was nothing, but I couldn’t. So I wonder if he has thought about our baby, but I never said anything.

    Thanks for the comment on my site. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only person who freaked and canceled a RE appointment. So I will sit quietly at home for a few days/weeks/months and gather my strength.

    I hope your cycle is just slow this month and not MIA all together!

  4. Well last year we didn’t celebrate Father’s Day at all. Even though the adds are not the same, it was still so fresh last yeat for us. John, (or Paul, or whatever his name is) was deeply affected by it as his dad was gone and then his child was gone so we didn’t celebrate at all. This year he wanted to though so we did but we are also in a different place this year. While I wanted to embrace Mother’s Day at my own pace, he was ready to embrace Father’s Day with open arms. I think it just depends on the circumstance and the person.

    There is nothing wrong with not celebrating it or not even talking about it he doesn’t want to.

  5. Since I have never conceived a child I have always hated mother day. And I have a great adversion to father’s day.
    My husband has a daughter from his first marriage and it was just another day for him. She did not acknowledge the day at all. She went to work and He went to his job. When she came home she annouced she was spending the week with her mother.

    I used to spend the day with my father now the day reminds me that he is not here for me to spend time with. Sorry for being such a teary eye dope sometimes it just happens that way.

  6. I just caught up and joined your roller coaster ride of the last week. Sorry this doesn’t look like an O cycle, but there will be others. There is nothing selfish about wanting what you want (have a chance this cycle). You can want the best for Jacob AND you – even if they conflict.

  7. I love what you said at the end about tomorrow beig the first day of the rest of your life. That is good stuff.

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