Aaron Jacob…

In 1998 we lay in bed and named our yet unborn child.  We didn’t know in those moments of lateness if we were having a boy or a girl.  We just knew that I was going to have a baby.  Jacob, being a “guy” decided immediately on a boy’s name.  Me, being the “dutiful” new wife agreed.  We lay in bed and called our baby Isaac.  When the bleeding started I realized not only had we lost a child, but by naming that dream we also lost the name.  In retrospect loosing the name wasn’t that bad for it really doesn’t go with our surmoniker.  At any rate, we made an unwritten rule at that point.  We would never again name a baby that does not yet exist in at least ultrasound photo identifying gender.  It was a rule we kept to until this last time…

Through the years we bounced names off the universe.  Some trendy “how about Avery?”  Some conservative, “how about William Daniel?”  and some yet silly “How about Zuess?”  The list grew, and the names changed.  But the moment I found out we were pregnant again those names just no longer seemed to fit.  Did I really want a son or daughter named Cameron/Camryn?  No, those names no longer worked for me.  When we left work on a sunny Tuesday, me newly and confidently pregnant I asked his opinion.  He immediately decided on Aaron.  I rolled the name on my tongue, and liked how it felt.   Aaron, yes I loved it.  I then suggested his middle name be Jacob.  We could call him “AJ” we decided together, and it became so.  In that moment, my baby who I am still convinced was our boy was no longer thought of as “it” but as him, and he had a name.

After they told me he wouldn’t be born I didn’t think so much about how hearing his name would hurt me.  I really didn’t give it much thought.  Instead I focused on his due date.  After all, come January I would suddenly be dealing with the new moms with tongue tied babies who could easily be born on what should have been his birthday.  Yes, that is what I focused on, December 15th, 2008.  It wasn’t until I scheduled the first child with the name Aaron that I realized how just hearing that name made my stomach physically lurch.  It wasn’t often that I heard it, but when I do, it brings with it physical pain.

Today was no exception.  Today, I had not one Aaron, but five that needed to be seen.  Each one caused my brow to furrow, but only one caused my heart and stomach to churn.  You see, my fourth Aaron of the day is 6 months old, well almost anyway but close enough.  You see, my fourth Aaron’s name is Aaron Jacob and he is almost 6 months old.  You see, my fourth Aaron’s birthday is December 15, 2007.  That Aaron Jacob was born exactly one year before my son should have been.  Out there in the world there is an Aaron Jacob that has my little boy’s birthday.  Only, my little boy won’t get to celebrate his because he is laying under a rock, under the ivy in my back yard.  I just hope that now, with the spell broken that I won’t be held hostage by it any longer…for I am reminded of “Don’t let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment, that was known as Camelot”

Don’t let it be fortgot, that once there There was to be an Aaron Jacob, for one brief shining moment…

It’s time for me to move on my little one…it’s time to move on…

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4 responses to “Aaron Jacob…

  1. It makes you wonder if there is a God out there just waiting to mess with people. That is just cruel. I’m sorry.

  2. I am sorry that you got stung like that. It is amazing how we think we can be okay about something and then a different event happens that makes us realize we are still vulnerable. It reminds that the hurt doesn’t really go away it just lessens after time. Hang in there. Continued hugs of friendship as you move past another period of hurt.

  3. This is an hurt that I never thought about. It is true just when you think you got your feeling undercontrol and you are past the hurt something unexpected opens the wound all over again.

    Sorry, I hope time will make you stronger still!

  4. This breaks my heart for you. I am so sorry.

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