How To Make An American Baby…

Here we go again folks.  The baby juice, as we have grown to affectionately call it has arrived.  Jacob asked why I was taking a picture of it again?  I told him because it brings us luck.  So there is the bounty.  4 Ovidrel preched on either side of 8 boxes of Follisim AQ 900, or 4 boxes of Follistim AQ 300.  In front of the Follistim boxes are 10 boxes of Ganirelix.  

I think I am going to write to the school district and tell the gym/health teacher that I want a refund for all the birth control they made me buy.  After all, we were warned about getting pregnant even if it was your first time.  Of course back then I also believed that you could only get pregnant on CD 14, and then would PANIC if my cycle lasted longer than 28 days.  This became especially true when the handful of girls in high school became pregnant and they all had a variation of the same two stories “I was on the pill, but I guess they became inactive when I took those antibiotics”  or “We used a condom but it broke”  I actually had a friend who had that happen not once, but twice.  Talk about your bad luck.  Tsk.

It wasn’t until after my first miscarriage that I even went to my first GYN appointment!  Can you imagine that now?   Now I go, whip off everything from waist down, insert the probe and lay there counting ceiling tile till its over.  All the while on CD 3 knowing that I am bleeding all over the place.  Someone said that child birth relieves one of all modesty, and that may be true, but I think once you have had a baseline ultrasound performed early in the morning only to return to work and pretend like you weren’t just violated by a probe that it really happens.

Then for the next 25 days, because this is the only time you have a 28 day cycle you are a crazy loon.  First its worrying about the estrogen levels.  Then its the follicle size.  Then for kicks it the lining measurements.  If all goes well in that first 14 day period you then are violated again by a nurse, physicians assistant, or doctor yielding a Tom Cat.  This is where the actual potential impregnantion occures.  Not at home in bed with candles, and soft music.  No, it occurs while lying on your back in stirrups while wearing a paper towel thin “dress”.   By this time your ovaries are swollen and are tender so the last thing on your mind is nooky, but this is exactly what they tell you to do for at least the next day or two if you are feeling up to it. 

At this point of two things happen.  The day after relations with “Tom” you may or may not begin progesterone suppositories.  No further explaination needed.  Or as an alternative, 7 days post ovulation you can go back to the doctors office have a quick blood draw and then go home and shoot up with another round of Ovidrel.  At this point if you are anything like me you will sucumb to a migraine from all the hormones that are coursing through your body.  It is also at this point that I will take the first pregnancy test, you know “just to make sure the Ovidrel worked”  When I am sufficiently convinced that it is in my system I will then spend the next 7 days analysing and worrying about every symptom or non symptom that there is.

Of course also over the next 6-7 days I will take at least 2-3 more pregnancy tests “just to see”  Of course for at least 5 days the HCG from the Ovidrel will give you a false +, but one that slowly decreases over time.  Then by 12 days post ovulation I have sufficiently convinced myself to varying degrees depending on the moment that I am 100% proof positive that I am pregnant, followed by 100% proof positive that AF is coming.  That cycle of pointless banter will only cease once AF arrives, which is ussualy at 12 DPO, or at 14 DPO when I finally pee on a stick for real rather than to check HCG leaving.  Of course that was what I did prior to this miscarriage…I don’t know when I would be comfortable enough to actually test for pregnancy this go around…probably sometime after being a week late, because it was then that I had the first inkling that something was wrong.  But that will be a tale for another day I suppose.

At any rate, this is how you make an American (or Chinese, or African, or English, or Irish) Baby.  Really folks, you don’t just ditch the diaphram, have nooky, and then 14 days later pee on a stick and boom its positive.  Whom ever told you that was lying…


7 responses to “How To Make An American Baby…

  1. What a relief – I thought I was the only person who grew up thinking you could get pregnant by having sex just one time. Even if you are on the pill because, you know, it’s only 99.98% effective.

    I think back to the times when my period was two days late and I was a basket case for a solid 48 hours and I say to myself, “Silly little girl.”

  2. iambrowneyedgirl

    Amen sister!

  3. If only we could go back in time…

    I’m wishing you lots of luck with your next cyce.

  4. I agree cause afterall i didn’t even ovulate until day 21. That was confirmed only after peeing on countless ovulation sticks. Then after two bleed tests and two utrasounds confirm news, then the doctor’s office still has the dates screwed up because your lmp was one date and ovulation occurred at a completely different time.

    I wish I could go back in time and talk to those people lying to us too.

  5. Susan, you should seriously write a book. You manage to always make me laugh even when you are in a struggle. 🙂

  6. Seriously, you should write a book. You know exactly how to put what we are all feeling and can’t describe. I too believe that TTC with multiple u/s in a month’s time rids you of your modesty!! You can’t be shy when TTC that’s for sure!!!
    I’m praying this is your cycle. Sending you luck and lots of **baby dust**!!!

  7. You forgot the one where the one, ” the pill is not effective on me. ”

    Someone should have taught the health teachers about real life!

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