Be Careful What You Wish For…

OUCH OUCH OUCH…THAT HURTS!

Three Aleve later I have rythmic cramping that is enough to turn my pale pallor even paler apparently.  Coupled with the need to go to the bathroom every hour on the hour.  This despite only having consumed 10 oz of Diet Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi, and 20 oz of Decafinated Black Tea. 

Things are definantely moving along however.  There is no doubt about it.  I thought maybe I would be a little sad at the site of the the blood, I am really not.  I am relieved.  Someone on DS in the miscarriage support group basically told me I was cold and callous since after all I am loosing my baby.  To which I responded…I know this sounds strange, but you need to realize I said good bye to my baby two weeks ago.  Now I am eager to move on, and with the arrival of blood I am able to do just that.  Incidentally turns out this woman is 5 weeks pregnant.  So I chalk it up to hormones.

I also have come across this really nice site. 

http://www.freewebs.com/thelittlefootprints/index.htm

She has some items on E.bay but I found her actual website as well.  I decided to order the key chain w/the baby feet at the bottom. 

I emailed her regarding the cost, and she responded almost immediately.  She said she can do the December birth stone along with the conception and loss month if I wanted.  I told her to please do December, and then pink and blue with the baby feet at the bottom.  She said if I paid today she would ship tomorrow.  I will take an actual photo of the product when it arrives.

I am so tired.  I was in bed by 8:00 last night, and Jake tells me asleep by 8:30.  Today I think its going to be in bed by 5:05, and out by 5:10…of course waking up every so often to make sure I am not having a flood…

Is This It?

As you can see, I have figured out how to add pictures, counters and tickers to my blog.  I even added the Cappacino cup that seemed to be the biggest hit for Kathy.  It actually looks better over here because you can see all of it.  I was getting frustrated at first because I couldn’t figure out how to do the HTML to put up the baby’s memorial ticker…and that was my most wanted item for me anyway.  So here it is, the new official digs for Family of two. 

On to new, or old business depending on your outlook.  I still have red and the cramping has increased exponentially, but the flow is really not bad.  Yes, I know I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but I really anticipated more than what I have got.  I checked my cervix…and it doesn’t feel all that open yet…so perhaps this is just the start?  Yes I know, I am being completely paranoid, and really must stop.

One of the physicians I did try to consult when I wanted the D&C had said I may just have “period like bleeding” around the time my next cycle would be due.  So perhaps with the Methotrexate this is it?  Dr. Tippet did after all say that the embryo was likely disolved based on my numbers.  I guess we will find out more tomorrow. 

What will I write about now?  I always found that when I wasn’t cycling I lost readership, and really had nothing of substance to say.  Really if all goes well and I get the A-OK on Sunday I start the Nuva Ring…what will my titles be then? Nuva Ring Day 1….Nuva Ring Day 20…Nuva Ring Removal Day?  Oh yeah I can the swarms of readers coming by for that.  Oh well, I will figure something out to entertain my ‘peeps’ 

Lastly, I can’t thank you all enough.  Everyone has been so patient with me through the last three weeks, and I am so grateful.  To those who emailed and caught me in the mood from hell and were blasted for their kindness…thank you for forgiving me.  This was a hard time, but its finally coming to an end…and I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel…but sometimes it just takes a little longer to find it than others.

Red…

We have red.  To be honest we have had red since I arrived at the endodontist for my root canal yesterday.  At first it wasn’t much.  Just when I wiped.  So I didn’t dare get excited.  That sounds weird doesn’t it?  Excited to be seeing blood when what I should be getting excited about is seeing our baby on its first ultrasound this week.  Instead, I am excited for red.

I am still not cramping, which makes me loath to share this with you.  I have read to many accounts that the natural miscarriages are horrifically painful, as opposed to those which are ended with a D&C.  So I sit here and wait for cramping that causes me to bend over in my chair, and for the gush to come that even the mightiest of protection can’t catch.  Its not happening.  I am confused.  Is this really it?  Or is this just another tease?

Last Monday as I sat across from Dr. T in the chair closest to the window he told me that based on my HCG level there was likely not much “baby” left.  He called them the products of conception, but regardless those products are were my baby.  Still, does the knowledge that there “wasn’t much left” mean that I won’t have the gushes, or the mind numbing cramps? 

Is this how the nightmare ends?

I could be wrong.  This could simply be a complication.  I suppose I should call the office and find out…but I am afraid that what I would be told is:  “We will see you on Thursday”

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